7 Qualities You Should Never Settle On In A Relationship
Settle for where you go to dinner tonight, not your relationship.
You
can settle on plenty of things in life: Where to have dinner for your mom’s
birthday, for instance, or booking the less expensive, but just as nice resort
for your next vacation.
One
thing you should never settle on? Your relationships. Below, marriage experts share
seven qualities you should never accept in a relationship.
1. A partner who won’t give the
relationship 100 percent.
Fall
in love with someone who’s keenly interested in keeping your relationship
happy, healthy and fresh, not someone who tends to tune out and let you do the
heavy lifting, said Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist in Sherman
Oaks, California.
“The
worse thing is being in a relationship where your partner is unable to self
reflect,” she said. “They need to recognize how their actions affect the
relationship.”
2. A partner who can’t say “I was
wrong.”
It’s
vital that you’re with someone who can admit her mistakes, said Gal
Szekely, the founder of the Couples Center for therapy in Northern
California.
“You
don’t want to be with a partner who gets defensive or tends to shift blame,” he
said. “When we are not open to taking responsibility, we are not open to
learning and change. And if we can’t change and grow, we won’t be able to adapt
to the changing circumstances of our lives and the changing needs of our
partners.”
3. A partner who doesn’t share your
sense of humor.
Life
is bound to throw you a few unexpected punches. To lessen the blow, it’s
important that you and your partner have a similar sense of humor, said Amy
Begel, a marriage and family therapist based in New York City.
“You’ll
need that to face the ups and downs of life and relationships,” she said.
“Occasionally, I see couples in my office where one partner takes things too
seriously. If you can’t tease each other during the rough-and-tumble moments in
life, it doesn’t bond well for your relationship.”
4. A partner who won’t grow with you.
Choose
someone who wants to grow and learn with you throughout life. Don’t waste your
time with someone who doesn’t want to better themselves, especially if their
actions and attitudes are already in need of some improvement, said Winifred
Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California.
“When
it comes to marriage, we all have plenty to learn. None of us steps in with all
the skills that we need, nor can we know in advance how to face the inevitable
challenges we’ll face,” she said. “The most successful partners are those who
are willing to train a keen eye on themselves and let go of beliefs that aren’t
so useful so they can adopt new ideas and behaviors.”
5. A partner who isn’t compassionate.
If
after complaining about your long day at work, your S.O. lifts his head up from
his smartphone and says, “Huh, what did you say?”, you may not be with the
right person, said Goldstein.
“Having
compassion toward another is the foundation of any relationship,” she said. “Entering
a relationship where the other person is unable or unwilling to put
themselves in your shoes is like trying to get water out of a stone.
You’ll essentially be in a relationship where you feel all alone.”
6. A partner who isn’t your biggest
cheerleader.
In
a good relationship, your S.O. is totally Team You. She doesn’t dismiss your
good qualities or discourage you from your goals, and in general, she adds
to your life rather than subtracting from it, Szekely said.
“A
quality partner supports you, cheerleads for you, helps you face your fears and
boosts your confidence,” he said. “They usually hold some qualities that you
don’t have and so they can complement you in some way. When you both do that
for each other, each one of you is better — you are the best version of
yourselves. The bottom line is, you feel better in life and are able to grow
together.”
7. A partner who’s too dependent
on you.
As
a couple, you and your partner complement each other’s lives but at the end of
the day, you’re separate people who could, if need be, be fine and fulfilled on
your own, Begel said.
“There
needs to be a mutual capacity for self-sufficiency,” she said. “This is a
hugely important and rather underrated quality in a partnership. This
falls under the category of self-love; a healthy dose of this quality in both
partners tends to promote mutual respect in the long run.”
Post Credit: Brittany Wong
Divorce
Editor, The Huffington Post.
Fall
in love with someone who’s keenly interested in keeping your relationship
happy, healthy and fresh, not someone who tends to tune out and let you do the
heavy lifting, said Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist in Sherman
Oaks, California.
“The
worse thing is being in a relationship where your partner is unable to self
reflect,” she said. “They need to recognize how their actions affect the
relationship.”
It’s
vital that you’re with someone who can admit her mistakes, said Gal
Szekely, the founder of the Couples Center for therapy in Northern
California.
“You
don’t want to be with a partner who gets defensive or tends to shift blame,” he
said. “When we are not open to taking responsibility, we are not open to
learning and change. And if we can’t change and grow, we won’t be able to adapt
to the changing circumstances of our lives and the changing needs of our
partners.”
Life
is bound to throw you a few unexpected punches. To lessen the blow, it’s
important that you and your partner have a similar sense of humor, said Amy
Begel, a marriage and family therapist based in New York City.
“You’ll
need that to face the ups and downs of life and relationships,” she said.
“Occasionally, I see couples in my office where one partner takes things too
seriously. If you can’t tease each other during the rough-and-tumble moments in
life, it doesn’t bond well for your relationship.”
Choose
someone who wants to grow and learn with you throughout life. Don’t waste your
time with someone who doesn’t want to better themselves, especially if their
actions and attitudes are already in need of some improvement, said Winifred
Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California.
“When
it comes to marriage, we all have plenty to learn. None of us steps in with all
the skills that we need, nor can we know in advance how to face the inevitable
challenges we’ll face,” she said. “The most successful partners are those who
are willing to train a keen eye on themselves and let go of beliefs that aren’t
so useful so they can adopt new ideas and behaviors.”
If
after complaining about your long day at work, your S.O. lifts his head up from
his smartphone and says, “Huh, what did you say?”, you may not be with the
right person, said Goldstein.
“Having
compassion toward another is the foundation of any relationship,” she said. “Entering
a relationship where the other person is unable or unwilling to put
themselves in your shoes is like trying to get water out of a stone.
You’ll essentially be in a relationship where you feel all alone.”
In
a good relationship, your S.O. is totally Team You. She doesn’t dismiss your
good qualities or discourage you from your goals, and in general, she adds
to your life rather than subtracting from it, Szekely said.
“A
quality partner supports you, cheerleads for you, helps you face your fears and
boosts your confidence,” he said. “They usually hold some qualities that you
don’t have and so they can complement you in some way. When you both do that
for each other, each one of you is better — you are the best version of
yourselves. The bottom line is, you feel better in life and are able to grow
together.”
As
a couple, you and your partner complement each other’s lives but at the end of
the day, you’re separate people who could, if need be, be fine and fulfilled on
your own, Begel said.
“There
needs to be a mutual capacity for self-sufficiency,” she said. “This is a
hugely important and rather underrated quality in a partnership. This
falls under the category of self-love; a healthy dose of this quality in both
partners tends to promote mutual respect in the long run.”
